| dear god, |
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| 02:36pm 01/06/2005 |
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mood:  crushed music: underoath
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im outspoken when no ones around. my tears break the silence. do you pity me because im confused? i pity myself. im so lost. do you know whats its like? do you know whats its like to know too much, yet so little at the same time? so much about things youll never completely understand. not without dying first...instead im stuck here. dying inside. with a loss of words. i need one answer, not a million. one thought at a time please. my feet stumble, my mouth fumbles the words around but they never come out. not the right way anyways. so could you help me please? do me one simple favor. just take it all away. all of it. this knowledge is a burdon. my thoughts consume me. eat me fucking alive...from the inside out. and its hurting me, and most of all the people i love. im stuck with the apologies, the arugements, this contagious, vicious fucking cycle we call life. im sick of it all. so do yourself a favor, as well as myself, help me take this pain away, for now, if not forever, before you lose another precious soul to a coffin that wasnt ready yet.
...its cold 6 feet under </3
love,
michelle |
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| goodbye |
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| 04:38pm 22/05/2005 |
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mood:  sick
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my throat is closing and im going to die. |
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| stuff... |
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| 12:37pm 19/05/2005 |
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mood: sick music: soad - byob
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ok ive been gone. a while. sorry.
ever watched thats how myth busters? ever see the one where they tried to prove that a cd couldnt explode in a computer? well i just proved it fucking right. so i put in my fav mixed cd that corey burned me my freshman year of highschool. such a badass cd. r.i.p. < / 3 and i turn my head to pick a song to play, and BOOM. my ear drum is shot and theres tiny glittering shards of glass twinkling about my desk and floor. and my face, which dell is scared of cuz muh mama sue yo ass.
haha no, but we very well could have, instead i got a new disk drive TWEEDLE DEE DEE!
sooooo i missed my puter for a few days....
so me and my mom are talking again...that took a while. but im glad were on good terms, for now anyways...but the cops came and took my brother away the other day. he stayed in foster care for a few days. hes a dick, but we wont get into that. things are going ok now i suppose, well see how long this lasts...ugh
< 3 me and joe are official now, i guess? or so we have been for like a week, BUT YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT NOW DID YOU?! i heart you josephine.
joe has a best friend named james?! YES! and i have a best friend named heather as well. and do you know what i thought would be cool? if they madeout. OH WAIT THEY ALREADY DID. k lets all get married now thx.
we tried to go camping. T R I E D being the key word here. the lake was full. how does that happen? fuck the desert. its too fucking hot everyone just migrates to the same place. and for all of this, i get a flat tire. were all sittin there, fuckin side of the road, like an 1/8 of chronic and like a fucking 30 pack, and aloooooot of fire wood. and some bitch ass highway patrol fucker just drives by. were stranded, and he just DRIVES BY. what an asshole! thank god for assholes i dont want to go to jail this early!
we have all hung out so much in the past week. i dont think ive ever smoked so much weed in my life?! all this inhaling of illegal substances has gotten me used to...inhaling illegal substances. i need a switch. if anyone can seel me a cheap bag - o - schwag to lay off this chronic business, that would be neat. cool....
i bought a new water pipe to go along with my new found liking of chronic. hits like a champ. its like a mini bong!? someones a fucking genious.
i am currently accepting applications...
postiton : friend
requirements : nice, laid back, weed smoking, anti-drama practicing, sociable, loveable human being. NONE OF YOU GOD DAMN FAKERS!
job description : hanging out gettin crunk in hurr. yea thats all.
i have a long history of dramatical events, i need NOT anymore. thx.
i got asked to start working full time in june. WOOPA! im gonna make BANK. therefore, i need a place to live. other than where i am now. that would be nice, and due to some douchebags living with james, he should get a new place too. and hey! we could make it the same place?! omfg what a thought?!
my birfdays coming up! hit the donation button on my profile page to make me smile? :)
joes birthday is here too??????? shiiiiiit, wtf do you get boys for presents?! FUCK
anywho, this is getting too long. yes by far. so goodbye.
stop reading...
NOW. |
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| your paying too much attention to detail my friend. |
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| 06:07pm 04/05/2005 |
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mood: depressed music: gwen stefani
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wow how long was that? a week? i think i could probably set a record for the amount of moodswings had in a week or so.
...indecisive to the CORE.
happy? NOT
manic depressant? well id hate to psuedo diagnose myself, but if i had a degree id say thats what it was...or maybe im bi polar...fucking schitzo!? jesus. all i know is something. SOMETHING, is very wrong here...no ones supposed to feel this way so much. < / 3
its all in your head. its all in your head. its all in your head. all the little details. there all in your head.
acient egyptians used to belive that when one was sad so often, the evil must have taken over, so they decapitated the victim of such demons...
im just kidding i made that up...but it sounds like a good idea haha |
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| lifes not fair... |
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| 03:13am 28/04/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: glassjaw
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you know that feeling when you tell yourself your not gonna do something again, and then you do it, and it feels soooo goooood....yea. i fucking did it. im in the mood for some temporary lovin'...
- the heartache at the end
that part always sucks. maybe if i play this hand like it was my last, things wont be so temporary :O
he makes me smile x's 98324732748327468792569438592134879324893284932489393932.38724 anyways...shits and giggles?! i might as well get whats good before its gone again...ugh < 3 |
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| 06:23pm 26/04/2005 |
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| 06:37am 26/04/2005 |
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mood:  bouncy music: the early november
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i havent been to sleep yet?!
i had a wonderful evening. yes...it was...
im eating two huge peices of french toast and a big cup of coffee....and im smiling < 3 and thats one thing that doesnt come around here too often...
thanks < 3 |
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| uh huh huh uh huh uh huh huh uhhhh huh huh.... |
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| 11:21pm 24/04/2005 |
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mood:  trippin the fuck out music: mae - embers and envelopes
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this time around,i thought i found, someone who meant what they said, beyond four letters... says:
WHOA
this time around,i thought i found, someone who meant what they said, beyond four letters... says:
this lighter almost just lew my face off
this time around,i thought i found, someone who meant what they said, beyond four letters... says:
jesus if it was facing me it would have storched an eye out
im so fucking high. and im so sick!? my nose is so runny it feels like my heads numb...fuuuuck
joe wants to play "dancer" hes a douche.
<3
i got a second job. in sales promotion. at my same other job, the gym. woo. i call people and i say:
hello his is michelle from the bullhead healthclub, today for our 3 year anniversery we are calling a few of our local residants and the first person to answer the phone wins a free trial membership.
and guess what?
YOUR ONE OF THEM!
CONGRADULATIONS!!
so if i call your house...just hang up
haha
ok bye |
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| 01:12am 22/04/2005 |
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mood:  hahahaha music: across five aprils
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so like, i did alot of shit today. whoa.
i went to work, blah blah! i picked up leah and we got STONED. one bowl dude...this weed let me tell you, i have never ever been so joyful <3 its fantastic, and we got a BUNCH
$70 we are so blessed <3
went to hand out flyers in laughlin and oh dear it was hawt. people are lazy. they wont even hold a fucking flyer. then we saw corey. then we got money and left. to chinese food. FAT?! yessuh.... then i dressed liek a hooker and took leah home and came back. and i was SUPPOSED to find corey, but fucking too much happened. i got lost and had to borrow cell phones to try to call people. but then i ran into some people i met earlier and they invited me to come schmoke. why would i say no? ha there hawt too. damn...then he bought me some gas, and pumped it for me! i was in total awe?! who does that anymore...now im home, talking to him online. bahahaha
i had a good nite. |
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| 11:59pm 19/04/2005 |
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mood: drunk/high music: across five aprils
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i got hooked the fuck up tonite. i <3 corey. i went to laughlin tosee him, and his brother was in town, so that was cool, and they let me eat at the sushi bar with them, ive never been into one of those?! it was fucking good! then we walked around and no one would give me a cigarette?! i just wanted one :X
then they went to the gas station and they bought me some green apple smirnoff like 32ozs, oh dear i drank it all, in a water bottle. it was neat. met a hawt brazilian girl. holy crap...then we went and got high...that was cool too...now im home fuck |
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| < 3 |
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| 05:32pm 17/04/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: the white stripes
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i spent a drunk nite with him last nite. i went with leah and heather to some peoples house and we drank and i was buzzzzzzing. and then i got hiiiiiigh.
he went out with his friends and got wasted, then we both met up at his house eventually...after i drove all the way home of course.
i dont think ive ever had so much fun cuddling...all nekid n stuff. he claims he doesnt remember most of it, but ill remind him :P
again and again.... |
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| 01:04pm 14/04/2005 |
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Bukk4k3wh0r3: omfg
Bukk4k3wh0r3: my ears smell worse than an elderly mans ballsack
Bukk4k3wh0r3: even when dangled back and touching the shithole
Bukk4k3wh0r3: they dont smell as bad as ear cheese
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: o0o0o0o
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: that makes meh hottt
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: old ballbaggage |
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| 08:06pm 12/04/2005 |
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mood: sad
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you know why im most upset?
your the only one. the only whos ever been so god damn honest. it may have taken you a while, but at least you said it. the only one who hasnt lied, or cheated, or fucked me over in some demented way. the only one i truely can say i really cared about, and the only one ive lost and missed so fucking much.
im sorry...i love you.
< / 3 |
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| ugh |
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| 02:18pm 11/04/2005 |
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mood:  confused music: fucking easy listening on hold....
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alot has happened. alot i dont remember...
i almost flipped my car?! yea that was scarey i remember that. i totally lost copntrol on this long patch of dirt and almost flew over a cliff but i turned the wheel all hard and i did like 94 360's instead.
i woke up yesterday and my nose wasnt peirced anymore. i found my nose ring on my bed. the mother fucker was all trying to close!?? i shoved it back in so hard. after all that, no way its gonna close. omg my eyes watered so bad.
i still stand with the same statement. boys are fucking dumb. thank you....
no need for explanation i think its obvious in almost every case.
im sick of having a < / 3
ok someone post and make me smile n stuff. thx |
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| 07:04am 09/04/2005 |
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mood: broken music: kelly clarkson
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What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hint and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone
What you see's not what you get
What you see's not what you get
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You're wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone |
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| 04:58am 09/04/2005 |
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mood:  irritated as fuck music: fuck music
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iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: poor rabbit
Bukk4k3wh0r3: i almost hit a quail today < / 3 in the exact spot i hit the bunny
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: GOOD
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: quials are GAY
Bukk4k3wh0r3: and the car behind me almost hit me cuz i slowed down so much
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: quails*
Bukk4k3wh0r3: yea
Bukk4k3wh0r3: have i ever told you about those assholes?!
Bukk4k3wh0r3: their either really fucking stupid
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: ?
Bukk4k3wh0r3: or really fucking smart
Bukk4k3wh0r3: they fuck with you
Bukk4k3wh0r3: they dont cross the street until they see a car
Bukk4k3wh0r3: and if you slow down
Bukk4k3wh0r3: so do they
Bukk4k3wh0r3: if you speed up...so do they
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: kill em!
Bukk4k3wh0r3: so you go back and forth with them
Bukk4k3wh0r3: like when your walking and someone else is walking and your about to run into each other
Bukk4k3wh0r3: but you both keep moving in the same direction?!
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: id run em over
Bukk4k3wh0r3: i couldnt
Bukk4k3wh0r3: < / 3
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: i would!
Bukk4k3wh0r3: but they are deserving of it at times
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: kill em all
iAtEyOuRoVaRiEs: ALL
so i was on hold for 30 mins with the doctors office today. and then they hung up on me....
and when i called back not even 30 seconds later...i got a recording, telling me that they are now closed.
FUCK RECEPTIONISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they never do their god damn jobs, and now that ive procrastinated 6months of not calling the doctor, i guess ill have to wait another 6 months just to schedule an appointment.
i got so mad at life today, i just cried. i cried me a fucking river that i wish i could have drown in. thanks leah, thats a good one. it fits me well. i do enough crying to drown the whole world...
i got black tears on my new work shirt. cool. my eyes are all tiny now...and my nose is stuffy. i reckon that wont go away for like a week. do i fucking complain alot or what?! I DONT GIVE A FUCK! YOUR THE STUPID ASS THATS STILL READING1 IM JUST RANTING!
i cant seem to make up my mind about anything. ive never been so indecisive before. its fucking gay. everything just seems so confusing now. no matter what it is, my heads always clouded...and then i cry. what if somethings wrong. some kind of fucked up diagnoses. "michelle, your clinically depressed, here take some prozac." OH GEE DOC I FEEL LOADS BETTER NOW, ILL JUST SUPRESS IT SOME MORE UNTIL I MURDER MYSELF. how quaint is life.
im waiting for aunt flow. shes a fucking cunt. im going to slice her stomache open and remove her every womanly organ and watch her bleed to death, for all the days she has made me so uncomfortable. yea....
fuck you.
fuck your mom.
fuck your dog skipper in the butt with a peice of nailed plywood. HARD!
fuck life...
im done trying.
goodnite some more... |
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| your fat when... |
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| 09:19am 08/04/2005 |
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mood:  obese
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you get a salad from mc donalds, and then a cup of soup and a six inch turkey on honey oat from subway to top it off.
obesity is a disease. sick... |
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| 04:02am 08/04/2005 |
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so last nite i was driving home really stoned and out pops a bunny...rip peter < / 3
boys haunt me?! your all out to get me?! KNOCK IT OFF! I HATE YOU ALL! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR PENISES!
ok not.
but still < / 3!
i dont know what else to say. gahd. |
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| 04:43am 07/04/2005 |
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i wanna get really high and forget that i exist. |
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| < / 3 my song to you..... |
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| 03:10am 06/04/2005 |
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mood:  uncomfortable
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Now it seems to me
that you know just what to say
but words are only words
can you show me something else
can you swear to me
that you'll always be this way
show me how you feel
more than ever baby
I don't want to be lonely no more
I don't want to have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
just another heart ache on my list
I don't want to be angry no more
you know I could never stand for this
so when you tell me you love me
know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
now its hard for me
when my heart still on the mend
open up to me
like you do your girlfriends
and you sing to me
and its hardly
know what you do to me
its everything anything
just to get you back again
why can't we just try
I don't want to be lonely no more
I don't want to have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
it's just another heart ache on my list
I don't want to be angry no more
you know I could never stand for this
so when you tell me that you love me
know for sure
I don't want to be lonly anymore
what if I was good to you
what if you were good to me
what if I could hold you until I feel you move inside of me
what if it was paradise
what if we were a symphony
what if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you
I don't want to be lonely no more
I don't want to have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
it's just another heart ache on my list
I don't want to be angry no more
you know I could never stand for this
so when you tell me that you love me
know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
...i still wanna be your special someone < 3 |
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michelle_jean's journal